you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize