I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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