Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
