Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
