I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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