someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
