Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize