They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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