I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
