Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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