Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
