you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
