Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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