I wannas sexs uuuuu
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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