Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
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