I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
