take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
