New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
