I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
