dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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