WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Did I show you my penis last night?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
