so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
she smelled like a LAN party
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
