??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize