I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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