i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
