Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
