I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
