Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
