Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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