It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
