He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
