note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
