My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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