The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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