spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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