Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
