I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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