she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
