dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
