i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
