You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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