You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
