My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
