I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
