Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
i just google imaged poop.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
