Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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