Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
