Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Randomize
