i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
