true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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