Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
