everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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