i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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