I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
