Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
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