Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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