Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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