Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Randomize
