He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
