I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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